I'm 41.
I started trying to get pregnant when I was 36 and had two miscarriages after conceiving naturally. The first made it to six weeks, the second to seven.
We've done six rounds of IVF, one of those was successful - twins. I miscarried the first at about nine weeks (after heartbeat) and the second at ten weeks.
We did one round of IUI. It didn't take.
My husband has what my doctor loves to call "fabulous sperm." (Way to hit it out of the park, honey!)
My eggs are the problem. They have dark cytoplasm. Every single egg we've retrieved is "dark," which means "broken." I didn't know that could happen, but it's a deal breaker.
So, after all the heartbreak, we decided to start looking for an egg donor, AKA a twenty-something young lass with eggs of steel and a heart of gold.
There have been so many times I wanted to start writing about the process we're in, but I didn't because I thought it was too late. Maybe I should have started when we first found out we needed a donor egg? Or maybe I shouldn't write about it because I could upset people. (Who? I'm not exactly sure... The donor egg industry? Actual egg donors? Other potential parents? My future child, should he or she ever find this? All of the above, I suppose.)
Now, I've decided to give it a go an see if I can help anyone. Maybe even myself.
The thing on my mind today is donor agency fees. The egg donation industry is self-regulated. This means that most -- if not all -- egg donation agencies have rather creative polices regarding their fees. The one I like best is the non-refundable agency fee.
Here's a breakdown of your average fees with an egg donation agency (according to the agencies we've looked into so far, which is about ten):
$5000 to $6000 Agency fee - due when you find a donor you like and want to reserve her
$250.00 Genetic Evaluation - to make sure your donor isn't a carrier for genetic diseases
$250.00 Psych Evaluation - to make sure your donor understands the process and is prepared
$250.00 Insurance Fee
$350.00 Attorney Fee
$5,000 and up egg donor fee - this goes directly to the egg donor for her time, discomfort, and incredibly generous gift.
Here's the fun part: You find your ideal egg donor. Say you love her smile, the fact that she plays the trumpet and you played the trumpet, is smart, artistic or into math... Perhaps you also want to match according to ethnicity or religious background. Maybe she's Jewish like you are, or half-Asian, or African American. Maybe you want your donor to be straight or gay, or maybe that isn't a factor at all. Whatever it is that makes your donor the perfect donor for you, this girl is it. Game on, baby!
So, you pay the agency fee. And before you send that check the donor agency tells you that the agency fee is not refundable if your donor backs out or turns out to be a carrier for a genetic disease. This is an interesting wrinkle. If you pay the agency fee, you won't get $5,000 and up back even if your donor turns out not to be a suitable candidate, even if it's for a medical reason. If you don't, well, then you can't use this egg donor. My husband and I took a chance after they told us it's "extremely rare" for an egg donor not to work out, and guess what? Our donor turned out to be a carrier for more than one genetic disorder. We can't use the donor that we selected. Which means we paid a $5500 agency fee for the agency to send our donor to the doctor to take a $250 genetic blood test. (Which we also paid for.) That is the extent of services rendered. I think it may be the most expensive blood test of all time.
As potential parents, there is no a way around this. You want the donor, you pay the non-refundable agency fee. Or you go back to trying to talk your younger sister into giving her your eggs. ; )
There is a small recourse: Once you've paid the fee, the agency will then apply that fee towards a new donor in their database if you can find one. And if they don't have any other potential matches for you? If none of the other donors are right because of ethnicity, or religion, or personality, or anything else you may have in mind? Well, you can forfeit your fee to go to another agency. And pay them their fee to reserve a potential donor who may or may not work out. Another five or six thousand dollars goes onto the craps table. And then you roll the dice once more.
